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**THE TOTALLY NORMAL MEDICAL USABILITY INDEX™ (DARK HUMOR, DEFINITELY FICTIONAL)**
Welcome to the future, where your annual checkup includes a mysterious score nobody explains.
**1. The Score (0–100%)**
- 100% – “Fully operational human. Please continue pretending everything is fine.”
- 75% – “Mildly functional. Requires caffeine and denial.”
- 50% – “System unstable. Recommend naps and existential dread.”
- 25% – “Running on vibes alone.”
- 0% – “Has achieved enlightenment or forgot their password to reality.”
**2. How It’s Calculated**
No one knows. Not even the doctors.
Rumors include:
- Number of unread emails
- Ability to assemble IKEA furniture without emotional collapse
- How often you say “it is what it is”
**3. The Doctors**
Doctors enter notes into a system called *“Totally Not Judging You 2.0”*
Common entries:
- “Patient appears aware of the chaos. Concerning.”
- “Laughs at inappropriate times. Might understand too much.”
- “Asked too many questions. Reduce internet access.”
**4. Society’s Reaction**
At first, everyone took the scores seriously.
Then someone with 12% started giving life advice—and it worked.
Confidence in the system dropped to 3%, which was still somehow considered “above average.”
**5. The Great Downgrade**
Eventually, the system rated *society itself* at 41%:
“Needs improvement. Recommend sunlight, honesty, and turning it off and on again.”
Society responded by:
- Ignoring it
- Arguing about it
- Making a podcast about it
**6. The Shadow Committee (Probably Just Dave)**
There are rumors of a secret group controlling the index.
In reality, it’s just Dave from IT trying to fix a spreadsheet that gained sentience in 2014.
**7. Final Diagnosis**
- Humanity: “Complicated but salvageable”
- System: “Buggy but persistent”
- You: “Somewhere between 0 and 100, depending on the day”
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