Contact Us
We Are Listening
Have something to share? Or just want to say hello before the world ends?
Reach out to us via encrypted channels or smoke signals. We value your input, especially if it's actionable intelligence. But remember, we are always listening, even when you think we're not.
Secure Comms
Use the channels below. Assume all communications are intercepted.
Operational FAQ
Is this a real intelligence agency?
We are as real as the surveillance state you ignore every day. Our "agency" operates on the fringes of dark humor and actual open-source data. If you have to ask, you're already on a list.
Can I join IntelKartel?
We don't hire; we recruit via cryptic messages in your browser's console. If you can read this, you're either a developer or a very persistent ghost. Both are acceptable.
Where is your headquarters?
In a non-descript server rack in a country that doesn't respect extradition treaties. Or possibly in a basement. The geometry of our location is non-Euclidean.
Are my communications secure?
Our encryption is so advanced even we can't read what you send. Unless you use a weak password. Then even the neighbors' cat knows your secrets.
How can I leak intelligence?
Use the dead-drop locations provided in our "Visual Intel" section or send an encrypted burst transmission to our primary email. Do not use carrier pigeons; they have been compromised by the alphabet agencies.
What is your stance on privacy?
Privacy is an antique concept. We prefer the term "selective transparency." You tell us everything, and we decide what the public needs to know. It's much more efficient.
Who funds IntelKartel?
Mainly through the sale of redacted government documents and a very lucrative lemonade stand in the Cayman Islands. We also accept Monero and high-quality memes as payment.
Can I get a physical copy of the library?
Our library exists primarily in the ethereal realm of the internet. Physical copies are only available via microfiche hidden inside hollowed-out copies of "The Art of War" in select libraries worldwide.
Join the Cartel
Final Clearance
Secure your position in the network before the channels close.
We are listening.